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The Passover Seder, the oldest continuously observed religious
ceremony in the world, tells the story of the Jews' Exodus from Egypt.
Jewish tradition says that people of each generation must imagine that they personally
had departed from Egypt,
and the sages say that each generation must tell the story in its own terms.
The sages probably did not intend this.
Moses is Departing Egypt: A Facebook Haggadah
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Joseph is going to Egypt.
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 Joseph and Pharaoh
are now friends.
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Elijah is a bit tipsy, but off to a good start. 30,000 households down,
and it's only 6:30!
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Pharaoh is sad to report that my father has entered immortality. I have
taken his place in government and will do my best to honor his name.
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Joseph Congratulations to you, my master.
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Pharaoh Who are you, and why are you writing on my wall?
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Joseph I meant no disrespect, my master.
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Advisor He is an Israelite. There are many of them. I do not
know whether they are with us or against us.
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Pharaoh Let us deal shrewdly with
them, lest they join with our enemies in time of war.
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Rabbi Eleazar ben
Azaryah finally figured out why we're supposed to tell the
story of the exodus at night. It's because it says "all the days of
your life!"
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Ben Zoma Huh?
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Rabbi Eleazar ben Azaryah You see "Days of your
life" means days only, but "ALL the days of your life"
means nights, too.
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Ben Zoma Oh, I always thought that
referred to after the coming of the Messiah.
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Pharaoh sent The Israelites
Bread of Affliction.
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The Israelites This stuff tastes awful.
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The Israelites This year are we slaves,
next year may we be free!
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25
things you didn't know about me by God
1. Guilty pleasure:
Smiting people.
2. I had another universe once, it was so much better than this one. But I
got really wasted one night and lost it in a game of craps. :( I'm never
doing that again.
3. In my old universe, the really cool one, the dominant species was a race
of hyper-intelligent beetles. It was so cool. Unfortunately, when I lost
that universe I also lost the beetles-as-master-race patent, so now I have
to settle for primates.
4. I picked up this universe at a 50%-off sale. I thought I was getting a
bargain. But as soon as I took it out of the box at home, I figured out
why: space and time are both a bit bent in places, and most of the mass is
missing. I wish I had saved the receipt.
More
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Pharaoh has taken the Which god are you?
quiz. Pharaoh is Ra, the Sun god. Ra represents
light, warmth and growth.
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Pharaoh has posted an Album: Construction of Pithom
and Raamses.
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The Israelites I'm the 432nd slave from the right!
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Bernie Madoff The pyramid scheme is a good
concept, but you need to think bigger.
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Elijah is feeling very harried. 3 million houses left, and it's already
7:30!
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Hillel sent You sandwich.
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Youngest son Why is this night different from all other nights?
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Parent What do you mean?
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Youngest son Well, there's the drink-four-times thing, and the matzah thing, and the dip in salt-water thing. What's
up with that?
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The Israelites has written a note on God's
Wall: We're suffering!
See See Wall to Wall
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Rabbi Yehoshua Had a few too many at dinner
and spent the whole night at Akiva's arguing
about the Exodus.
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Rabbi Tarfon My head hurts.
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God has written a note on The
Israelites' Wall: Yeah, I see. Listen, sit tight, and I'll think
of something.
See See Wall to Wall
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Moses has taken the Which god are you?
quiz. Moses is Osiris,
God of the Dead. Dressed in white flannel gown, Osiris
ruled over the Egyptians and taught them farming.
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God Note to self: This is getting really annoying. I have got to add
a Commandment outlawing this stupid Which God Are You Quiz. I think I'll
word it broadly so that no one can possibly misunderstand my intentions,
and I'll put it right up front where they can't possibly miss it.
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God has written a note on Moses'
Wall: Moses, stop wasting time and do something about this whole slavery
thing.
See See Wall to Wall
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Pharaoh has used Yes We Conserve to
pledge to Use dryer
less.
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Pharaoh This is a no brainer, as I
live in a desert. Also, dryers haven't been invented yet.
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Moses has written a note on God's
Wall: Er, me? See See Wall to Wall
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God sent Moses burning bush.
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God has written a note on Moses'
Wall: Yeah, you.
See See Wall to Wall
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Moses has written a note on Pharaoh's
Wall: Let my people go! See See Wall to Wall
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Mark Zuckerberg You see? It's all about the
social graph. Israel
talks to God talks to Moses talks to Pharaoh. There must be some way to
make money off of this.
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God Aren't you the CEO of Facebook?
Listen, the old version was so much better. Tell your engineers to bring
it back.
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Mark Zuckerberg Actually, I'd like to stick
with the new one for now.
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God I'm sick of seeing all these quizzes! I command you to bring
back the old one!
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Mark Zuckerberg is fleeing to Tarshish.
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Pharaoh has written a note on Moses'
Wall: Up yours!
See See Wall to Wall
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Mark Zuckerberg
and a whale are now friends.
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Moses has used Yes We Conserve to
pledge to Use trees
to control sun and shade.
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Moses Back in my day job as a shepherd (which I still hope to return
to some day), a few strategically planted trees made all the difference
in the world on a hot day.
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Elijah is sloshed
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God sent Pharaoh a plague:
blood.
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Advisor No big deal. Our magicians can do that, too.
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Pharaoh OK. Whatever.
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Pharaoh has written a note on God's
Wall: Nice try. I'm not impressed. The Israelites stay. See See Wall to Wall
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God sent Pharaoh 9 more
plagues.
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Advisor Uh-oh. These are the fingers of God!
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Pharaoh OK, I give. 10 plagues is
enough.
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Rabbi Jose The Galilean Which means that when God later smote them at
the Red Sea with his hand, they got 50
plagues.
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Rabbi Eliezer No, I think it means 200,
since each plague was sent with fierceness of his anger, wrath, and
indignation, and trouble.
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Rabbi Akiva Dude, you missed a comma.
Fierceness was its own plague. So that's five plagues per finger, or a
total of 250 plagues.
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Pharaoh Will you guys stop running up the score?! You
already won! Just stop!
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Pharaoh has written a note on The
Israelites' Wall: Get out of here! See See Wall to Wall
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Moses has written a note on The
Israelites' Wall: Quickly, people! Just grab everything and go! See See Wall to Wall
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The Israelites But what about the bread? We're in the middle of
this great recipe.
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Moses Just grab what you can and go! Now!
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The Israelites has posted an Album: Fleeing from the Egyptians.
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Elijah 100 times as many houses to visit, and presents to lug around,
too. How does Santa do it?
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Santa Claus We young folks have all the energy! :)
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The Israelites has written a note on Moses'
Wall: Um, there's a lot of water in front of us, and a bunch of angry
Egyptians behind us. Any ideas? See See Wall to Wall
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Moses has written a note on God's
Wall: Er, over to you. Any ideas? See See Wall to Wall
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God has written a note on Moses'
Wall: Stretch out thy rod over the waters. See See Wall to Wall
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Moses is crossing the Red Sea.
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The Israelites has posted an Album: Fishes of the deep.
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Pharaoh has written a note on The
Israelites' Wall: Now I've got you right where I want you!! See See Wall to Wall
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Pharaoh is very wet
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Elijah is just about ready to call it a night. This gets harder every
year.
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Pharaoh and Satan
are now friends.
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God sent The Israelites a
Torah.
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God Just so you know, the one I wrote for the hyper-intelligent
beetles was so much cooler. I miss them. Sigh.
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Here endeth the Seder.
This year our ceremony still contains some time for reflection, and some ability
to remain on the same topic for more than a minute or two. But next
year, may our ceremony be faster, divided into bite-sized chunks, and with
each utterance no more than 140 characters. And so we say together,
NEXT YEAR IN TWITTER
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